The day he left

So. I haven't blogged in a while and I was starting to feel a little guilty. Between work, school, and planning this wedding I barely have a second to breathe let alone gather my thoughts. So I'll start off by telling everyone that my hubby is and has been officially overseas. I'll recount the day he left because not only is it still fresh in my mind, almost like it was truly yesterday, but I think it's important.

My hero <3

The day he was leaving Kendall and I drove to the airport alone. His parents were meeting us there.  We had to stop by my dads house so he could tell the little ones goodbye. When we made it to the airport we checked in and his parents met us. We grabbed something to eat in the foot court while waiting for him to board. (Wow, just typing this up is giving me chills all over). I'm sitting there most likely seeming rigid but only because I could tell that he was upset and I didn't want a repeat of the Call to Duty ceremony. I rubbed his back, his mom gave him many words of encouragement and we snapped a few pictures. He went to the bathroom, I still suspect that he got sick, and while he was gone I broke down a little. His mom kept reminding me I had to be "strong" for him. So he came back and it was about time for him to leave. We gave hugs and reminded him that he would be okay and that we would be okay. I kissed him for the last time (until his return) and he headed through security and what not. The whole time he would turn around and look back at us and I so badly wanted to just say one more goodbye...steal one more kiss. After we couldn't see him any more we decided to leave. His parents told me they could drive me home, I declined. Honestly, I felt fine. I told them I'd manage on my own. I made it to the elevator and the floor my car was on in the garage. The walk to the car felt like a long one and I felt the biting cold hit me. By the time I made it to my car I couldn't breathe. I unlocked it, sat down and lost it. I didn't know what had come over me. I would open my mouth ready to scream and nothing would come out. I eventually had to call someone and my aunt answered. I just cried. I felt like I just needed someone to listen to me cry. I clutched my stomach and told her "it hurt." I feel bad that I called anyone because let's face it, I was not coherent by any means. Eventually she was so worried that she wanted someone to pick me up. I just decided to pull myself together and leave. I'm not going to say that I didn't cry the entire way home because that would be a lie. The pain I was feeling was real and intense, I felt it with my whole body. My family wanted me to come over, and to spend time with them but I just wanted to go home and sleep until I couldn't any more, and that's what I did. Eventually I pulled myself out of the rut. I feel much better these days but people going through what I am know about how you can just cry at any moment. And I do. I'm so emotional all the time, it kind of makes me laugh. The day after he left I tried to go to work and that didn't work out. I wasn't five minutes into my shift before I was spilling my guts and crying..

Our first Skype date!

Now, I have a full plate. We are into the nitty gritty of wedding planning. We got to visit a venue for an open house and I am in love. It will certainly be hard to beat. I've also tried on some dresses and have some front runners.

I know, I look oh-so-adorable in my bobcats tee!

Kendall and I Facebook all the time, almost everyday which is amazing. I feel bad because I haven't gotten to write him very much but then again, we still keep each other informed every day. I am done with my first week of school at OUL and I love it, besides the face that my schedule is a little messed up but! I learned how to fix it for next semester. Can I just tell you that in my acting class I am going to be performing "Popular" from Wicked as a project...I'm already nervous! I am so excited with the changes I have made and I'm even more excited to be working toward goals that will better mine and my husbands life.

While Kendall was home we got tattoos. This is not out of the norm for us...

This is obviously mine, he got a matching tat w his mom that I'll try to put up. PS-- this did hurt. But I didn't cry at all, took it like a total champ.

I miss him, more and more everyday. I miss his arms around me, his laugh, and his eyes. I think about him when I do almost anything. Sometimes I dream that he is still here! I just remind myself of that day he comes home and I picture what that will be like. I'll probably cry, let's face it.

But, I know I'll be alright, and that he will too and that's all that truly matters.

Deployment

Today I said goodbye to my best friend, or "see ya later". Actually we didn't say either of those things. I have been putting off even thinking about this deployment for so long that when I woke up today I felt like it was a regular day. When I arrived at the venue where the Call to Duty Ceremony was held I realized this was not a regular day. While waiting for my family I started to do something thinking and I realized after today I wouldn't see Kendall for a long time. I was in and out of bouts of crying when my family met up with me. We walked into the building and I felt like everything was pretty much a blur. I didn't try to look anyone in the eye, I just wanted to get to my seat.

 The ceremony was alright. I calmed down quite a bit. After the ceremony I was approached by some local journalists who had snapped a picture of me and my little brother.

Then Kendall came back in for some last minute family time. I let everyone else have him before I latched on to him for dear life.

I was blubbering like a baby...

He didn't cry though. He assured me that he would come home and that he loves me with all of his heart. I nodded and sobbed and told him I love him too. It seemed like I had all of two minutes with him before he had to leave for formation and shortly after climb onto a bus.

My family asked me if I wanted to walk toward the buses to see him off, I replied "no". I was a mess and didn't want him to see me that way, after some prodding I reluctantly agreed. As soon as I saw him I could tell he had been crying and my knees buckled. I fell forward onto my knees and cried harder. I felt like screaming. I was physically feeling pain that could only be attributed to the fact that I did not want him to leave. It's a scary feeling. I felt a great pit in my stomach. The buses drove away and my crying eventually subsided. I still feel tears welling up, I'm hoping this goes away soon.

So now it's 11:55, he has called me to tell me that he has made it to his barracks and that he loves and misses me already. My eyes hurt from the sting of so many tears and my heart is heavy. Though I am strong I am feeling very weak. I'm embarrassed that I could not be strong for him and for how I cried. I'll see him for Christmas and after that it's a long nine months until he is home from deployment. Friends, hold your loved ones close, it is truly a terrible feeling when they have to leave you.